he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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