I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
