I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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