I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
