Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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