When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
