apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
