Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
