I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
