I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize