Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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