Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
