but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
