My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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