just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
