there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
