Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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