I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
