I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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