he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
