Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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