And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
