Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
