well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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