I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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