I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
