SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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