My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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