God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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