Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize