I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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