So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
