True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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