How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
