Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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