Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
