my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
