I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
