I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am naked and annoyed.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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