just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
