But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
