Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
