Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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