You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
