everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
