i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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