then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
