Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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