sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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