Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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