hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
