yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
