apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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