i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
