I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
