So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dignity is for republicans.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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