I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
